he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
