Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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