we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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