I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
