Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
