My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
zippers are such a cool invention
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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