everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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