It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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