It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
