ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
