i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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