I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
