I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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