I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
