i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
organizing the empties. That sober.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
