I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
