Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
