can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
