He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
