I wish my penis had an off switch
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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