one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
