My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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