Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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