Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
