I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
