I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
