Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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