Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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