***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
