ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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