I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
