theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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