is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
