This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
