My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
