State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
