I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
