if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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