i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
