your thong is hanging out like whoa
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
