oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
