I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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