i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
