is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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