That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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