Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
