Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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