I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
