my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
