i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
