Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
