I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i will never coherently bang her
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
