Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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