party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
